To Catch A Chupacabra
by Word-Spitting-Dragon
Summary: Dib has never trusted Zim. He wouldn't call him a friend or an ally or anything so tolerable. They were enemies, plain and simple. He hated him. And yet, watching Zim lose everything. Well. Some things you wouldn't even wish unto your worst enemy. *ONESHOT* Fluff/Comfort ZADF - could be viewed as ZADR


The sound of pixelated explosions and overly dramatic shrieks wafted up from the living room below. A deafening wave of techno music followed it – Gaz's game time slaughter playlist being tested for volume so it could serve as background to her new game.

Dib couldn't help a little snort of derision as he heard it, a little itch of annoyance in his heart because _of course_ she'd choose to play it _now_ after Dib had specifically asked her to tone it down, that he had _work to do._

He wasn't sure why he bothered, knew that trying to do something constructive at home nowadays was a lost cause.

Ever since that _Stupid. Game._

Dib had tried to explain to her that just a _little_ quieter on the volume would be nice – the living room was right below him after all. He'd also tried reasonably pointing out that Gaz's room was sound proof and the living room wasn't - he'd been rewarded with a glare and a gruff warning from Gaz in the form of, "If you ask me to turn it down again, _you_ _'re_ gunna be soundproof!"

Dib had taken this to mean she was going to rip out his tongue or otherwise silence him. Gaz couldn't _kill_ him, he'd finally learned, she did care about him looking normal enough that dad didn't get involved.

Still.

He wasn't exactly willing to test her right now.

And yet thesteady _boom boom boom_ of techno music and the agonized wails of Zombie Piggies flooded the room, setting his skin on edge and grinding his nerves to pulp.

He had to get out.

No _way_ he was going to get work done here, he'd just spend it tense and annoyed until he snapped at Gaz and she inevitably 'silenced' him.

That kind of greif just _wasn_ _'t_ on his to-do list tonight.

So he decided to go for a walk.

With one last irritated swipe of his mouse, he closed down all the subroutines he was _supposed_ to be working on and pulled a pair of earplugs out - they'd been useless anyway, the techno music was so unbearably loud, he could feel his heart beat to it. He turned off the computer and grabbed his trademark coat from it's peg on the door and he bolted down the stairs to the couch his obnoxious little sister was parked at.

"Hey," He said, placing and arm on the head rest and leaning towards Gaz's corner of the couch. He had to shout to be heard over her damn music, "I'm going out, tell Dad if he asks."

"Yeah, _whatever_." Gaz snapped, not taking her eyes off her laptop. Dib wanted to say something, because what right did she have to be annoyed right now!?

She was chasing him out of the house!

But he held his tongue, not quiet in the mood to get beat up, "Later."

"Yeah, yeah." Gaz waved him off. Her eyes never leaving the screen of her laptop.

Dib threw one last glare over his shoulder and stepped out of the house. He took a look around at the empty cul-de-sac and sighed. Normally, he'd take this time to check in on Zim and make sure the Irken wasn't up to any trouble, but after running into his ridiculously disguised robot, Gir, he found out Zim had gone out.

No use hanging around there, either.

So Dib wound up going to the city. He'd jumped on the number 9 that stopped a block from Zim's house, and tried desperately to ignore Gir, who ran after the bus for several blocks to wave him off like a forgotten lover bidding her sea bound husband farewell,

"I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU MARY!"

The screams chased the bus and Dib popped his collar to avoid the little green dog's eye and stared straight ahead. He didn't miss the way other passengers stared at him, in dumb, open mouthed horror, but he'd gotten so used to such looks he hardly even noticed. He did notice when Gir's screams finally died off, somewhere near their school, right before the bus left the suburban area and hit the highway and he finally allowed himself to relax.

In twenty short minutes he found himself getting off the bus at city center, where huge skyscrapers reached for the darking dusky sky and people ran screaming into the night from a giant evil eye rampaging through the city and all was well with the…

"Wait." Dib said aloud, his self talking habit persistent as ever, "Did we _always_ have that Giant Eye up there?"

He rubbed his chin and stared at the ominous figure floating above the city like an evil balloon. "I think I remember that…"

Dib was about to continue on his way when the eye's pupil suddenly dilated and a giant arch of laser fire cut a path through the city, sweeping down buildings, blowing up cars and sending herds of people scurrying like roaches for cover.

"No wait!" Dib yelled to himself, pointing at the eye as if seeing it anew, "That thing's obviously evil! I _HAVE_ to stop it!"

And so Dib went running after the thing, bounding over fallen debris like an overactive flea, his trench coat flapping behind him in a cape-like fashion.

He began running towards the main plaza, hoping to get a better view from there and thus a better idea of the situation. He was hardly even surprised to see a green figure on the horizon as he crossed the main intersection to get there.

"Ah…" Zim stood staring up at the thing, and in the resounding silence of the after shocks, his voice carried easily across the chaos to Dib, "They really sent it."

The Giant Eye hovered easily through the city, casually knocking over buildings like a giant, round Godzilla. It seemed to be searching for something and the great red search light of it's line of sight swept over the city. It felt almost as if the huge monster were some kind of Prison Warden, preventing it's victims escape by raining laser fire onto any living thing that dare step into the light.

The red beam swept closer and closer to where the Irken was and still Zim didn't seem at all concerned. In fact, he gave out a huge sigh and raised his arms towards it, waving until he'd _intentionally_ caught it's attention.

Zim was bathed in red light as the pupil widened and constricted, the whole thing heaved as it swelled with gathered power, readying to shoot. A second later, and Zim would have been burned to a crisp. As luck would have it, Dib's body crashed into Zim just as another hail of laser fire rained down on the exact spot he would have been.

They rolled in a painful tumble of limbs until they smacked into the underside of a car that lay casually on it's side, in the middle of Main Street. Dib was the first to recover, and since his intention had really been to contain Zim and not save him, he pushed the alien's face into the dirt and immediately began yelling at him, "I've got you now you lizard!" He snarled, "And I'm going to stop you and whatever that _thing_ of yours is!"

Zim made an irritated noise but made no move to free himself, he glared at the mud and scoffed at Dib, "Yes, yes. Do you mind hyuuman? If Zim _must_ be deleted, I'd rather not go in a pile of your hyuuman stink-filth."

The eye swung back at that moment, and Dib dove off of Zim towards the right, onto the sidewalk near some duplexes. He landed in a crouch, expecting the alien to follow close behind like he always did when one of his stupid experiments went wrong and Dib inevitably had to help him - which is what the human assumed was going on, considering the alien's moody demeanor. But when Dib turned around he saw Zim was still lying face first on the ground, making no indication that he even noticed the Giant Eye charging up it's lasers right above him nor gave any indication he was going to _do_ something about it.

"That idiot." Dib groaned, he looked both ways across the street for some reason, despite there being no cars dumb enough to still be driving through this micro apocalypse, before he dove back across and grabbed Zim, throwing them both behind the overturned car just as the laser landed.

Dib found himself screaming over the explosion, half huddled beneath the rapidly deteriorating car, "What is _wrong_ with you!? That thing almost barbecued you! I swear Zim if this is another one of your dumb experiments- _put your head down._ "

Zim's antenna were standing on end and Dib hand to physically push them down to prevent them from getting singed. Ever ungrateful, Zim slapped Dib's hand away from him and snapped, "This is not Zim's doing." He stared up at the sky and groused, "This is royal retribution."

Dib wanted to ask what the hell that meant, but the car they were sheltered under began to whine with the heat of the laser and Dib took the moment to pop his head out and make sure the Eye was focused elsewhere before he grabbed Zim's arm roughly, and yanked them into the eve of one of the duplex's stone stairwells. He peered over the wall to make sure the Eye wasn't following - it was too busy chasing a hapless woman in a hotdog costume - before he turned to Zim and snapped, "I don't care what it is we need to get rid of it! Did you do this or not!? Tell me so I can clobber you."

Zim stared blankly at Dib, his face taking the candor of someone who smelled something rotten, "You know, Dib-let," He began, "That doesn't give Zim much incentive to tell you anything."

Dib grabbed Zim by the collar and shook him, "There's a Giant Eyeball rampaging through town and it's going to kill us both if we don't stop it - how's _that_ for incentive?!"

"It's not that big a deal." Zim snapped, "Stop being so dramatic - this is just a formality."

"Just a… a _FORMALITY?!_ " Dib screeched, "For _what?! HOW IS THIS NOT A BIG DEAL?!_ _"_

Zim continued with that sour face and flattened his antenna against his skull, he looked away from Dib and muttered, "Always with the screeching. You worm-babies and your screeching… UGH." He rubbed at his temples, "Zim just wants to wallow in misery for a _little while_ but of course _you,_ with your big headed worm baby head full of stink, you _of COURSE_ must take even _THIS_ from Zim. Selfish. It's just a _little_ catastrophe, it's not like your hyuumans won't grow back like the hideous weeds they are."

" _HUMANS DON_ _'T GROW BACK! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING?!"_ Dib snarled shaking Zim furiously. He wasn't used to Zim being _this moody_ during a crisis, and he was completely done with trying to navigate a wet blanket who was seemingly uninterested in any course of action. He continued to harp and whine and yell at Zim until the Irken became so annoyed he leapt to his feet with a great roar of irritation and shoved Dib to the ground,

" _TALLEST_ what it your _PROBLEM_. Zim just wanted to watch the city burn for a _little while -_ is that really so much to ask - _IS IT DIB-SMELL!?_ _"_

" _OF COURSE IT IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"_ Dib threw his hands into the air and forced himself to take a deep breath, "You know what. No. Not today." He began picking himself up, "You wanna hide in the corner like some kinda coward, _fine_ , but _I_ have a city to save!"

"ZIM IS NO COWARD!" Zim snarled, pointing an accusatory finger right at Dib's nose, "And what could you even do without my help, pitiful Earth swine!? Zim could destroy that thing with my _pinky_ so why can't you just _enjoy it_ for a little bit!?"

"Maybe because I don't enjoy watching carnage like you do, you _lunatic!_ _"_ Dib batted Zim's hand aside and pointed at the Eye like an accusatory mother, "If you're _so great_ why don't you destroy it _now!?_ _"_

" _FINE!"_ Zim snapped and stomped into the open, waving his arms like a crazy person.

"No wait, I didn't mean… _ugh_!" Dib shrilled from behind the stairs, he shrunk down as the eye hovered closer and he briefly wondered if this was seriously how Zim was going to die.

Seriously.

What the hell.

But if the Irken was at all nervous about summoning a Giant Laser Eye Thing to battle to the death, he didn't show it. In fact, the Irken seemed just straight up _annoyed_ , pissed even, and he began a running narrative of petty grievances of 'stupid big heads' and 'wasted afternoon's as he advanced on the thing and produced a laser from his PAK.

It began to glow an alarming color and rapidly fired off a massive stream of plasma before Dib could even blink. As the Eye floated nearer, Zim's plasma beam cut a clean line through the top of a skyskrapper, which toppled on top of the Giant Eye and brought it to the ground like the slap from an overgrown flyswatter. The resulting cacophony of the crashing buildings blotted out Dib's shriek of horror, and the human pressed his hands over his ears and watched, mouth agape, as Zim effectively took down half the city with a single shot.

It was an insane amount of power, not something that Dib expected from the Irken, and it took him a long time just staring back and forth between the despondent, sighing alien, and the line of damage he'd caused. If Zim could cause that much damage on his own, why the _heck_ did he keep flooding the city with monsters?! Was he just a fan of Godzilla or what?!

The Irken was glaring down at the ruins with a strangely blank expression just as Dib leapt from his cover and took him by the shoulder, shaking him furiously. "Wha- who – you – that – _how?!_ " He stuttered obnoxiously, spittle flecking Zim's face in his almost deranged excitement, "How the hell did you do that?!"

Zim's chest heaved, listless and exasperated, he slowly pushed Dib away with a sigh of annoyance, "Zim is just… super amazing at everything…" He stared at the ground from the corner of his eye, as if he were explaining something so simple he didn't have the energy to do it, "I'm just objectively better than you I guess…"

"Uh huh, yeah sure." Dib rolled his eyes, irritation rising, "I was kinda talking about that crazy laser you just shot off! Where the heck did you get something like that?!"

"Zim made it… In case they made a mistake…" The Irken gestured vaguely to his head, "It wasn't hard or anything… My think sponge is merely a million times better than the shriveled walnut inside your monkey head."

And before Dib had the chance to answer with ire, or amazement, or _anything_ really, the Irken spun around and walked off. At that exact moment all the hidden, cowering people seemed to realize the monster was gone and they swarmed the streets in a frantic attempt to escape, swallowing up the Irken into their masses.

Dib tried to get through, but by the time he'd made it to the other side of the mob, Zim had already disappeared.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

It had been nearly three weeks since their little run in and Zim had mysteriously stopped attending school. Considering the crazy powerful laser Zim had debuted to take down the Giant Eye, Dib was certain the alien was up to no good. Trouble was, the Irken hadn't been in his lab for a _long_ while either, if the few tapes Dib had were accurate, and Zim had mostly been out of the house or watching TV.

Of course, he hadn't had much of a chance to check the tapes extensively, as it so happened Gaz had been continually adjusting her gaming play list for the past few weeks so Dib had only been able to check the more recent tapes he could remotely access from the library - but it had been enough to notice a pattern.

Dib wondered if Zim knew about the tapes and was going to a newer, even _more secret_ base but after a couple days following him the human had discovered that Zim spent his time outside the house mostly going to the park and setting pigeons on fire.

And the occasional old person.

Finally Dib had had enough.

Gaz was out of the house for the evening and Dib finally had the perfect chance to go through his archives. He didn't know what the hell the space boy was playing at, but Dib was determined to find out. He'd stocked up on snacks - the _good_ kind from the convenience store near Bloaty's - locked his bedroom door and parked himself in front of his computer.

Now that Dib had a whole Saturday with no Gaz to himself, he'd resigned himself to spending the day combing through his surveillance videos in the hopes of finding an answer.

After all, Zim had been acting rather strangely the day they dealt with the Eye - saying odd things, odder than _normal_ \- and generally just being a little bit _off_ in a way that suggested either something had happened or he'd done something.

Dib had been annoyed with himself that he didn't have an answer at the time - since HighSkool the human hadn't exactly been as up to date on _all_ surveillance data - in part due to the increased workload but mostly because Zim hadn't been doing quiet so much in the way of Earth's destruction. He kept doing strange experiments that were always… _bizarre_ … to watch, but the Eye thing had been the first destructive thing Zim had done in _months._

And even then it didn't actually seem like it was really Zim's doing - if the Irken's words were to be believed.

So Dib turned to his tapes to find answers.

After several hours watching boring, useless reels of Zim from the first day or two before the Eyeball attack, Dib came across a freeze frame depicting Zim discussing something with the Tallests. For a brief moment, Dib debated skipping it entirely but with a great sigh of despair he clicked on it - he supposed he _had_ to watch it if he were going to be thorough about this.

When Zim had initially started contacting them, Dib had absorbed every interaction like a sponge, convinced he'd learn damning information about the Irken race. But as time wore on, it became apparent the Tallests didn't really like Zim, hardly tolerated him at all, and watching their interactions was…

Well it was just _sad_ really.

Zim was so eager he didn't even notice they used puppets half the time.

Who _does that?!_ Maybe Zim was a jerk, but as far as Dib could tell, the Tallests were assholes.

He watched them harp on Zim and the little Irken grovel like usual - it was such a standard interaction it had Dib rolling his eyes and reaching towards the 'skip' button, but he forced himself to watch.

Good thing too, because had he skipped it, he would have missed Purple's smile falling a fraction of an inch and him turning to Red to say, "Hey, I'm getting bored. We should just wrap this up."

The other Tallest nodded and shrugged, "Yeah, making fun of Zim isn't what it used to be."

"My Tallests?" Zim had asked, staring between the two with wide eyes. And that's when Red threw down the hammer.

"Look Zim," He sighed, "It's been… well, it's been terrible. Talking with you is awful. And in the beginning it was kinda fun or whatever but now you're just… it's just isn't working anymore."

"Have you read Zim's latest report? I've developed an interesting way to use the hyuuman's own-"

"Yeah, yeah." Red rolled his eyes, cutting Zim off, "You see that's what I mean. We've already done this bit - and frankly Skoodge is more fun to torture than you."

"What are you saying?"

"What do you think, dumb-dumb?" Purple laughed, "We're done with you!"

"But… what about conquering Earth?!" Zim gasped, throwing his hands onto the console, "My Tallest I know this pathetic little dirt ball doesn't have much to offer but-"

"It's not _Earth_ that doesn't have much to offer." Red snapped, "It's _you_. You weren't sent there to conquer it, you were sent there in _exile_."

"E…exile…?" Zim's voice faltered and Dib felt something in his chest stir and what-the-hell, was he feeling _bad_ for this insufferable jerk? Red's mocking tone seemed a little too familiar.

"Uh, _duh_." Red rolled his eyes like Zim were a particularly slow child, "It was nice messing with you now and again but now it's a chore. So stop calling us, OK? We're done."

"B-but Zim is an _Invader_." The smaller Irken pleaded and Purple let out a cruel laugh,

"Yeah right. Like the _Smallest_ could ever invade _anything_."

Red shushed him and said, "Let me be clear Zim. In a way that even your dense little skull can comprehend. You are _exiled_ from the Armada. You enter Irken controlled space _anywhere_ , heck, you even leave that stupid little dirt ball - and we will delete you. Got it?"

"B-but…"

"Just be glad we're letting you live." Purple snapped, "We could send you to the Brains for a full Wipe, so I really think you owe us a little 'Thank you.' Right Red?"

Red's face took on a horrible leer and he smiled down at Zim, "That's right. How about a little thanks for your merciful Tallests?"

Zim looked to the floor, and Dib could tell even through the blurry tape that he was hiding tears in his eyes. He clenched his fist and said, in a small voice, "T-thank you, my Tallests."

The Tallests laughed, an uproarious, heartless cacophony and Red gave one last little sneer, "Goodbye Zim. We _won_ _'t_ be in touch."

Then the transmission went blank and Zim stood frozen before the screen. But that wasn't the part that really sucker punched Dib in the gut - it was what Zim did _after._

He just kept re-watching the transmission - over and over again, feeding it through different languages and analyzing the heck out of it to find _any_ other meaning.

"Vortian translation." Zim demanded – about his eleventh such request. Translating the terrible message again and again in hope that he might find something in some language that made _sense_ to him.

Dib could practically _hear_ Zim's heart wrenching inner monologue.

His Tallest would _not_ just leave him like this. They wouldn't just _strand_ him on this smelly little dirt ball with no one but his own failure and _Gir_ to stink up the place. They couldn't exile him from his own _kind_. His own _planet._

They _couldn't._

 _Wouldn_ _'t._

…would they?

Dib actually did fast forward then and after he found that the Irken's little pity party lasted for a _t least_ three more hours - Dib had to turn it off. He got up from the computer and wandered downstairs into the kitchen, his head full of mush.

 _Royal retribution._

Zim had said.

 _A formality._

He had said.

Was that EyeBall sent to officially exile Zim?

Zim was an exile?

Wasn't an invader any more?

The Tallest had tried to kill him?

Dib found himself in front of the stove and turned it on. As it began to heat he wandered about the kitchen in a daze and gathered ingredients - a bowl, some eggs, some mix, a whisk.

He felt a weird pain twisting up his gut - because _of course_ Zim hadn't mentioned it to Dib - why the hell would he tell his _worst enemy_ he'd been denounced? And yet… Dib wished he could do something - felt an empathetic ache in his chest as the words of the Tallests rang in his ears and dredged up memories of bullies, teachers, his own _father and sister._

Zim was an outcast.

Just like Dib.

He went to the fridge and grabbed syrup. It wasn't until he began emptying the bottle that he even realized he'd made a stack of waffles to begin with. He set the syrup on the counter and stared at the thing, wondering what to do with the teetering stack now that he'd finished.

Dib definitely wasn't about to eat it - it was past lunch time and he'd already eaten. He knew Zim could eat waffles… was that why he made them? Was he a stress baker now?

And as his thoughts turned back to Zim, he suddenly realized, with horror, that not only had Zim been holed up in his house for at least the past three days, but over the last three weeks Zim hadn't even done _one_ crazy experiment.

If Zim was an exile…

Was he going to stop trying to conquer Earth?

Would he leave? Was Dib out of a job?

Because no more Zim meant no more Zim-related shenanigans.

It would be weird to say he would miss it.

The excitement of it all.

When it happened all he could think about had been negative: the time, energy, pain and suffering all for _peanuts_. For not a single soul to thank him, or to make the slightest indication that they or the planet knew they owed their lives to him a hundred times over.

He had been _invisible_.

And he'd so resented that invisibility, was so desperate on finding some _proof_ to tell the world - _Look, dammit! It_ _'s all right here! It's_ _ **real**_ _! -_ that somewhere along the line he'd forgotten why he was doing it to start with.

Now that he realized Zim might stop being… well, _Zim_ _…_ Dib realized he loved his bizarre little 'job'.

Battling Zim was fun.

Sure he still had Chickenfoot and the MANshees and various cursed artifacts to hunt down. He also had the occasional Mothman thing, but it wasn't the _same._ It was like going back to the kiddie pool after practicing for the Olympics.

Yeah Chickenfoot might terrorize some campers or a MANshee might traumatize some kid with it's manly scream – _but it wasn_ _'t the same_. In all those tasks Dib was by himself, a lone wolf on a hunt with no real stakes - none that compared anyway.

The world wouldn't be in the balance - not like it was every time Zim started stirring shit up.

And when Dib was by himself, things could get kinda… lonely… There wasn't a crisis to advert or an unlikely alliance to form _just this once_ for the sake of the world or Galaxy or maybe even something _bigger._

The _universe_ maybe.

Dib had gotten so used to being a _Big Player_ in so many life or death scenarios that at 16 he couldn't _bear_ the idea of going back to small time missions like… _Chickenfoot_.

Dib had found he _liked_ having an adversary or unwilling ally or whatever the heck else Zim had inevitably become to the human. He _liked_ the chance that halfway through a lonely trek through the woods some jerk might come bursting out of the trees to demand help or clobber him.

Dib liked having an _obstacle_ , he liked pitting his wits, his very best efforts against someone intent to thwart him.

Maybe he liked the idea that someone cared enough about him to even harass him enough to be called a 'rival'. Liked the idea that s _omeone_ seemed to take him seriously - even if the vast majority of the time Zim was only serious about trying to maim him.

And nowadays, with the ever incessant demands of high school, his father and pretending to be 'normal' enough to stay out of the loony bin, squabbling with Zim was about the only activity resembling stress relief left in Dib's life.

Lord help him, but wailing on the stuck up, too pretentious little Irken gave Dib _purpose_.

And that was probably why he was here, standing on Zim's porch and staring at the bright purple door like an idiot, holding a plate of still-warm waffles. He felt far too damp, his forehead already sweaty as he tried to psych himself up to push the doorbell - because honestly how the hell did he even expect this to go down?!

Many painful years had taught him the doorbell was a last ditch effort to contact the alien. He had a 50% chance that the alien would see him and send the gnomes after him, or toss a terrifying new experiment his way or otherwise try to maim him.

When Zim didn't open up after the third knock, Dib began to tense up, absolutely certain something terrible was coming, and so when Zim finally opened the door, Dib may or may not have shrieked.

Just a little bit.

Zim's expression, understandably, immediately soured at the greeting. He took a long look at Dib, and after a long moment of sizing the human up, he sighed heavily and pointed at the offering, "What. Is _that?_ _"_

"Uh… food?" Dib held the waffles out a little more firmly toward Zim, "Well, I guess more specifically it's waffles. It's uh… it's the only human food I know you can eat."

"And how do you know this?" Zim asked skeptically, as if the waffles were some kind of delicious, syrup drenched trap. His Squeedily Spooch violently reminded him it had been a while… maybe two, three?… weeks since his last meal.

"Gir mentioned it," Dib said hastily, not about to tell Zim he'd learned it during one of his most disappointing spying attempts ever, "Do you want it or not?"

Zim glared down at the offending pastry and his spooch gave an angry rumble. He _was_ hungry…

But he wasn't about to accept a meal from his enemy. Zim wasn't _that_ pathetic.

Not yet anyway.

So he did what any good, self-serving Irken would do - he slammed the door in Dib's face.

Miraculously, or maybe through muscle memory, Dib managed to save the waffles by yanking them out of the way, just as the door his him in the face. He yelped and rubbed at his face and longed to yelled at the Irken and call him out for being the insufferable jerk he always was.

But that probably wouldn't help.

"Zim…" Dib tried again, leaning on the door, his face pressed against the bright purple wood as if he could phase through it. "I know you haven't left your house in a while… you need to eat…"

"What does it matter to _you_ Dib-worm?!" Zim snapped back peevishly, glaring through the peep hole and firmly ignoring how pathetic the human looked, "And just because I haven't left doesn't mean Zim is malnourished!"

Dib hesitated.

A nervous sweat gathered upon his brow as he was reminded of the dozens and dozens of cameras he had stashed in and around Zim's base. He hadn't seen Zim eat _once_ on any of them - not even snacks while watching TV, and while Dib wouldn't entirely put it past the Irken, he couldn't imagine that the reason Zim had been maiming pigeons in the park was in order to _eat_ them.

In fact, Dib was 99% certain Zim _only_ ate food at his house - considering the poisonous nature of literally everything outside it.

While this was all a very logical argument to bring up, Dib wasn't about to get himself beat up by revealing the extent of his stalking - er - _researching_.

"Um." The human began, his mind drawing up a blank, "Never mind that," He hastily diverted, "I just… um… I mean, there's stuff you can eat on Earth right? You're not like… uhhhh… _in need_ of anything right?"

That was a stupid way to phrase it. 'You can eat Earth food, right?' - What kind of question was that?! Dib wanted to kick himself - now Zim was going to think he was trying to poison him.

Dib tried to backtrack, "Look, you just haven't been in school for a while. I thought you might be sick or something, so I brought you waffles ok?" When he was answered with nothing but silence, Dib set the waffles down on the stoop and began to retreat from them, slowly, backwards, like he were escaping a bomb, "I'm just gonna leave it on the steps for you - you, know in case you want it or..." He trailed off, hoping for an answer, but quickly lost his nerve to the tense atmosphere, "Ok, well... I'm gunna go... then..."

Dib quickly backed away, and when he was almost to the property line, he finally turned his back on the green abode - figuring it was safe to run the rest of the way home. So of course that was the exact moment that Zim's door boomed open and Dib was left frozen, waiting for violent retaliation, with his back exposed.

"Dib-let." Zim's voice was quiet, empty, and Dib couldn't explain what about it set his teeth on edge.

It just wasn't like Zim.

He balled his hands into fists and took a deep breath, counted to three, and when nothing else came he turned around, "Zim?"

Their eyes locked and it seemed to Dib that Zim was searching for something. His face must've given something away, because Zim scoffed and dropped eye contact, his fists curled and his posture rigid. "You saw, didn't you."

It wasn't a question.

Dib wasn't sure why he felt so threatened by that simple line, but if Zim was asking about what he thought he was, there was no way in hell he was confirming it - Dib liked his limbs exactly where they were, thank you very much.

"Saw? Saw what?" The human was a bad liar, and the shrillness of his voice set Zim's antenna on end. Dib saw it and cringed internally, and he was ranting, telling too much before he could stop himself, "I just haven't seen you at school and I was making waffles this morning and thought, 'Hey I should probably bring Zim some,' so I did do that, and it's done and now I'm just going to..."

" _YOU'RE LYING_ "

Zim was down the steps and in Dib's face before the human could think to run, "Zim has played 'the hook-ee' from your miserable learning swamp countless times for several Earth rotations and you have never before brought me offerings of foodening." His hand shot out and he grabbed Dib by the collar of his coat, "Cease your pitiful pity making - Zim _knows_ you've planted your insidious surveillance drones inside my base. You _saw_ _it_ didn't you? And now you no longer think Zim is capable - you don't even think I can provide my own nutrients. _IS THAT IT_?!"

"Whoa, hey, no - I'm totally aware you can still beat me up and all that shit, no need to-"

Zim shoved Dib, _hard_ , and the human fell to the ground with a little yelp of pain. The Irken advanced on him, and his PAK limbs came slithering out and fringed his form like a deadly halo of snakes.

"Get. Out." Zim growled, his voice barely audible and Dib felt himself go white as a sheet.

Because Zim had _never_ used his PAK limbs on him before and frankly he wasn't sure how well he'd fare. He scrambled to his feet, putting his hands up in a show of surrender and hurriedly tried to defuse the situation. "Whoa, hold on there- if you don't like waffles that's totally fine, you don't have to-"

" _ZIM SAID GET OUT!_ _"_ Zim snarled and his PAK limbs flew back and snagged the waffles, hurling them like deadly shurikan after the fleeing human and that was the end of that.

Except it wasn't.

Over the course of the next week, Dib would stop by everyday to knock on Zim's door and leave waffles on the stoop.

Of course, the first few times Dib would pop up out of the bushes, or throw a rock at the door to 'knock' while he gave the property a wide birth, but as the days wore on and Zim showed no signs of the terrifying retaliation he'd showed the first day, Dib of course became bolder and bolder until the next Saturday he didn't just set the plate down and leave like he was supposed to.

He stood on the stoop, heedless of the gnomes and he just…

KEPT.

 _KNOCKING._

 _Over and over and over again._ Until finally, Zim could bear it no longer and he ripped the door open to find the obnoxious little human red faced and his eyes shining with that obnoxious determination of his.

"What." Zim seethed, "Do you want."

"Eat the damn waffles Zim." Dib snapped back, pushing the plate towards Zim who made a move to slap them out of Dib's hand, but the human had expected that and stepped to the side and Zim fell out the door and down the steps with a shriek.

This allowed Dib to march straight into Zim's lair and right past Gir who was sitting on the couch and greeted,

"HI MARY!"

Dib gave Gir a little half wave and said hi back before continuing to the kitchen where he set the waffles on the table and took a seat. Gir, the little traitor, did literally nothing to prevent the intrusion and even had the gall to tell Zim, "Yo fuwend came-d here! He's in the kitchen!" as the Irken stomped after Dib.

Zim threw his hands down on the table, refusing to take the free seat, and demanded, "What do you think you're _doing?! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!_ _"_

"Sure, sure." Dib said with a wave of his hand, looking down at a piece of paper - an article of some kind, "We'll both be leaving in a bit, but first eat the damn waffles Zim, I know you haven't eaten anything."

Zim baulked, not used to Dib being ballsy enough to order the Irken around, "What do you mean ' _we_ _'ll_ ' be leaving? Zim assures you, you will go _alone_ when I _throw you out_."

Dib said nothing and continued to read the article and Zim found his ire deflating with the curious and bizarre sensation that he were creating a scene. _In his own house_. He cautiously grabbed the other seat with a huff, "How do you know Zim hasn't eaten? You keep leaving your hideous 'offerings' everywhere, maybe I'm just sick of waffles!"

Dib didn't look up from his paper and he calmly called out to the little robot in the den, "Gir, who eats the waffles I leave?"

" _I DO!_ _"_ The robot screeched back happily and Zim found himself glaring at the little robot for his treason.

Was no one loyal to Zim?

The Irken spent several minutes glaring at Dib, hoping to set the article he held on fire through sheer will power alone or to simply intimidate him into leaving. When this failed, his antenna flattened against his skull and Zim looked down at his waffles and back up at Dib, then back to the waffles. He narrowed his eyes and snapped, "And how do I know you haven't poisoned these?"

Dib wordlessly picked up a fork, curiously one of two on the table, and took a bite of the top waffle, chewed and swallowed.

"See?" He leveled Zim with a look and set down the fork with a sigh, "Jesus Zim, you're practically drooling. Just eat the damn thing."

And maybe Zim was salivating just a tiny bit - but _not_ because it had been nearly four weeks since his last meal and the waffles smelled like heaven. _NO!_ He did it because he was a mighty invader who could not be intimidated by simple human foodstuffs! Yes… that was the reason, of course.

He prodded at the waffles and took a tentative first bite before his growling spooch overruled his pride and he began ravenously tearing into them. Behind his article, Dib couldn't help a little smile.

At least the idiot wasn't going to starve to death.

When Zim finished his waffles, Dib laid the article he was reading down on the table and pushed it towards Zim. The Irken's eyes narrowed as he read the headline, _Chupacabra Sighted in Bellham Woods!_

"What…" Zim began suspiciously, "Is this dooky?"

Dib set his elbows on the table and leaned towards Zim with a smile, "A field trip."

"You wish to put this thing in the room with a moose?" Zim asked dumbly and Dib rolled his eyes,

"No, not every field trip involves a room with a moose, ok? That was _your_ doing anyway!" Dib jabbed a finger at the article, "Look, I need to go catch this thing. Belham's egg country and this thing has been eating all the chickens - if we don't get it the whole town is gunna be out of eggs."

"And how does this concern Zim?" The alien groused and Dib shrugged,

"How much Irken food do you have left?"

Zim stilled and he hissed, "Whyyyyy?"

Dib shrugged, choosing his words carefully, "Just saying, since you _probably_ won't be getting new supplies anytime soon and eggs happened to be a key ingredient in those waffles you just ate… I figured you might be a _little_ interested in protecting one of the only foods you can eat here."

Zim's expression crumpled and he looked at the table moodily. Dib hadn't exactly expected Zim to be so distraught over a few eggs, but it all made sense when the Irken whispered, "So you _do_ know."

Dib sighed, his voice going quiet, "Yeah…" He ran a hand through his hair and shrugged, "Yeah, I know." He tapped the article gently, drawing Zim's attention away from the wood grain and back to him, "I figured this might be a good trip. You know, get out of the house, get some fresh air - that always helps me when I've got something on my mind. And it's not even like you'd be helping me or anything - you're just protecting your food supply, you know?"

The human half expected Zim to flip the table over onto him or do something equally terrible, so he was more than a little surprised when Zim just sighed and poked at the article, "Are you pitying Zim, hyuuman?"

"Wha - no! Of course not!" He couldn't really tell Zim that he _was_ empathizing with him, so he decided to go for an ego boost, "If anything, I need _your_ pity - and by that I mean help. It's not like I could catch this thing on my _own_ , I'm just a scrawny human - I obviously need a strong Irken to help me and it just _happens_ to be in your interest too."

"It's true…" Zim mused, "You are rather pathetic…"

"Gee… thanks." Dib sighed, reminding himself regretfully that _one_ of them had to act like an adult.

Zim sat back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest and Dib was amazed to see the Irken was actually _considering_ it. "Hmmm… Do you even have a plan though?"

"It eats chickens, so we make a trap - simple snare or something. Should be _easy_." Dib shrugged, honestly a chupacabra wasn't really a big whoop. From what he'd heard, they were just scrawny, hairy dog-like creatures with a baby's face. Or something like that anyway - wasn't exactly Hunter material or anything dangerous like that.

He figured it was the perfect way to get Zim involved.

And maybe Dib was secretly hoping Zim would be interested enough to do it again sometime - but that was getting ahead of himself. Right now he just wanted the alien to be normal again so he figured a little team up was a good way to get the ball rolling.

"Whaddaya say?" Dib asked, giving his best hopeful smile.

"Stop doing that with your face!" Zim seethed, smashing Dib's cheeks and wiping the obviously fake smile from them. "Say Zim does this horrible, horrible thing with you – and Zim is not saying I will – but say Zim chooses to indulge your big headed stupidity you have mistaken for an idea." He crossed his arms and jerked his chin up, "Exactly where are you going to get a chicken beast? We can't exactly trap your precious monstrosity without bait."

Dib smirked, he'd been waiting for that question.

"Don't worry." He hummed, "I know a guy."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

"Forgive me if Zim has misunderstood your horrid worm-baby culture." Zim began in annoyance, carefully stepping over fallen tree branch and clutching his snare stick to his chest like a weapon, "But when you claimed to 'know a guy', Zim didn't expect you to bring an actual guy with you."

"He's not really a guy." Dib argued back with a cheeky little smirk. He glanced behind them at their guest, a grown man in a stained and smelly chicken costume. He trailed slowly behind the pair and when he reached the fallen tree branch Zim had stepped over, he attempted to jump over it.

He failed and went down like a sack of potatoes.

Dib grimaced and looked forward quickly with a nervous chuckle, suddenly doubting if the big lunk could cut it out here, "And he's not a guy he's a chicken…er… a chicken man… or, maybe, a man with chicken-like qualities? A man chicken…? A manken?"

"He is an abnormally large and smelly human in an even larger and smellier earth foul disguise." Zim deadpanned rather tersely, his grip on his snare stick tightening in irritation.

"Yeah, well." Dib shrugged, adjusting his stick across his shoulders and stuffing a hand into the pocket of his trench coat. "Like a chupacabra's gunna know that."

"And you are certain of this?" Zim challenged suspiciously, not at all enjoying frolicking about the woods at night like some dirty forest beast. He adjusted the pitiful headlamp Dib had given him and sent a rather disdainful look at a fern as they stepped around it to stay on path.

"Well… I mean, he has fooled a couple humans with that thing…" Dib supplied, like that would somehow help fool a supernatural carnivore into believing the greasy, overweight man was more appealing.

"Really?" Zim gasped, looking back at the pitiful, dwaddling thing with new eyes. It tripped over the fern and flailed about for awhile, complaining for the millionth time about the hike and why they were even there.

The Irken heaved a sigh and turned forward, unable to watch the pitiful display. "…how could I fail to conquer a race that believes in _that_?"

"I mean… you've fooled plenty of people with dumb costumes…" Dib supplied unhelpfully.

Zim seemed to wilt like an ill watered flower and he heaved a heavy sigh, "I _know_."

Dib frowned, watching Zim out of the corner of his eye. They'd walked several more paces and had to wait a bit for Chickenfoot to catch up when he finally found his voice to ask, awkwardly, "So… how are you doing?" Feeling the need to clarify, Dib continued, "You know… about the, uh, being er…" He trailed off, unable to say 'exiled' and he flushed as he looked at the growled.

Zim watched him with a growing annoyance, tolerating the human's nervous bumbling through words until he couldn't say the only one that mattered.

"Augh!" Zim snarled, throwing his hands into the air and whirling on Dib, "Just say it. Zim is exiled." He crossed his arms and turned away from Dib, snapping, "And it's been terrible thanks. Zim loves being confined to a filthy, back-quadrant dirt ball with only my worst enemy as company."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence there." Dib sighed, rolling his eyes.

Zim growled, "Oh _please_ hyuuman. Don't get all _sensitive_ on Zim - it's not as if you enjoy _my_ company either."

They were deep enough in the woods now that Dib began to look for clearings to set up their chupacabra snare. He pointed to a good looking clearing a little ways off and they began to head in that direction as Dib admitted, "I mean, you're not the _worst_ company. Better than Gaz or anyone at HiSkool anyway."

Zim seemed a little taken aback by that, and he trailed after Dib wordlessly for a few minutes, before he said, "Zim isn't sure what to do now… I could go extract my vengeance on those dooky-heads but then what!? I'd still be barred from Invading and Zim isn't about to go back to _Foodcourtia._ " He wrinkled his nasal ridge in disgust and began a long winded rant about nothing in particular - mostly just how stupid and unfair and dumb everyone and anyone in the entire universe was - it took such a dark, sporadic turn that Dib realized Zim was thinking out loud, like he sometimes did, and he decided to save Zim from his ruminative spiral as soon as the alien began cussing in Irken.

"Um, I think that's enough." Dib said timidly, feeling Zim's rant was beginning to cycle.

"What?" The Irken glared at him as if he couldn't believe Dib was cutting him off, " _You_ asked _Zim_!"

"Well, it's been five minutes. You're not supposed to ruminate after five minutes." Dib took in Zim's appalled expression and at least had the decency to feel a little embarrassed for cutting him off. He hurried to explain, "Like, talking about it helps but only the first five minutes and then you dwell on it and it gets bad again. So, uh, maybe we should stop…"

"Says _who?_!"

" _Science._ _"_ Dib said, in perfect imitation of his father, jazz hands and all. He turned bright red when Zim didn't get the joke and looked at him like he was insane. Maybe he really was.

"I mean…" Dib faltered awkwardly - he didn't really want Zim think he was super invested in this or anything, but he _was_ worried - just a tiny bit. So he admitted, "It's from this book on depression I was reading."

"Whu-" Zim's face flushed purple and Dib couldn't tell if he were pissed or embarrassed. Maybe both. "Zim is not _depressed_! Zim is _infuriated_!"

"Right sure, but um, that's not super healthy either so maybe we should talk about something else." Dib didn't look at Zim, mostly because he could feel Zim's glare stabbing into him. He gave a nervous laugh and suggested, "You know. Something positive."

They reached the clearing and Dib set down his backpack and began to pull out the supplies he'd need for the snare. Zim stood defiantly near the base of a large tree and he leaned against it and crossed his arms.

"What makes you so sure your silly little literature will even work for Zim?!" He snapped, staring at his shoes. An idea seemed to occur to him, because his head shot up and he took a threatening step towards Dib, "Is that why you dragged me out here!? For some _Earth story_?!"

"You weren't leaving your house!" Dib threw his hands up in exasperation, careful not to chuck the rope he was holding into the woods, "You needed the exercise and some company that wasn't robotic!"

"Oh well _thank you_ Dib-smell for telling Zim what you think I need but Zim is _just fine_ on my own."

"Jeez I was just trying to help! _Sooorrry!_ Won't do it again!" Dib snapped, more than a little annoyed. He tried to focus on setting up the snare but Zim planted himself by his elbow and began a running commentary.

"Is this _it?!_ Just some primitive twigs and rope?! Zim is _so sure_ we will catch your Cretan."

"You need to tie it tighter - do you want it to escape your pitiful trap?"

"It looks fragile - is it _supposed_ to look like this?"

Until finally, the comment that set Dib over the edge was, "Zim is sure I could have made something better. You should have showed me this trap before we left - are you sure it'll even _work?!_ _"_

Dib tied the final knot tight and then whirled on Zim to give him a piece of his mind, "Well, _jeez_ Zim, so sorry they didn't have the latest edition of 'Everyone Poops Except Irken's Because They're _SO FUCKING Advanced_ '! Jesus, I don't know if it'll work either but it's better than nothing, isn't it?" He turned away from Zim and crossed his arms moodily, " _Jerk_."

Zim flushed and shifted uncomfortably.

" _Whatever._ " The Irken sniffed prissily and looked at his feet; he made a face as if he was deciding something. With the pouty aura of a child who has somehow been left out, he mumbled, "And Zim _does_ poop."

"Oh." Dib said, his anger vanishing in a puff of smoke because he _definitely_ hadn't expected _that_ response. "You don't… uh, you don't have to go right now though, right?!" He found himself asking and immediately kicked himself for it.

"No! Zim doesn't!" The Irken shrieked, a bright purple blooming across his face and he stamped his foot in indignation, "Tallest what is _wrong_ with you?!"

"I don't know!" Dib yelled back defensively, "Look, there's not a lot I can do with that information! I didn't wanna make it weird!"

"And that's how you do it!?"

"I don't know!"

"Oh you've _more_ than made it weird you- wait." Zim suddenly paused, his spine going straight, his antenna twitching like great bat ears, "Isn't it a little quiet?"

"Quiet?! You were just _screaming at me_ of course it's not – wait." Dib paused too and strained his ears. Silence descended around them like a dense fog. There were no frogs croaking in the background, or birds tweeting.

There also wasn't any whining.

"Chickenfoot?!" Dib found himself calling before he'd even looked over to the place they'd last seen the man.

The woods at his last location were devoid of any signs of life. The little fern that marked his last standing spot seemed off though and Dib immediately jumped forward to inspect it. In the dirt he found three yellow feathers and a paw print, he pointed it out to Zim and, careful of his volume, whispered, "I think the chupacabra might have gotten him!"

"Ohhhh nooo." Zim lamented in a way that clearly said he didn't care. "Well. You fed your little pet, looks like it's time to return."

"What?!" Dib yelped, forgetting his volume, " _No_! We can't leave Chickenfoot with that thing!"

"Didn't we bring him as bait?" Zim was inspecting his nails as if Dib were making a scene out of nothing.

"He wasn't supposed to _actually_ be bait!"

"Oh." Zim paused and looked down at the spot where Chickenfoot had been dragged off. Then he shrugged, "Eh, so he was an overachiever, who knew? Zim supposes we will just have to honor his sacrifice by going home safely."

"Whu- _no_!" Dib snapped, "Zim we are _not_ leaving him!"

"Why not?" Zim shrugged, "I release humans into the wild all the time. They're fiiiiiine."

"That…" Dib held up a finger, pausing, "I want to ask but…" He took a big breath and sighed, "Nope. We'll talk about that later but for now, I think we need to go save Chickenfoot."

"Ugh. Fine. We'll go save your poultry. But Zim is returning right after that, chupa-whatever be damned."

"Fair enough."

Dib covered the trap with a bunch of leaves and then he and Zim took off down the deer trail Chicken foot had been dragged down. Every couple yards or so they'd run across a small smattering of yellow feathers.

The air felt more brisk than before and the eerie silence of the woods set Dib's hair on end - their footsteps were much too loud and their headlamps far too bright. He felt like an intruder, obvious and unwanted, caught between leering trees.

He stumbled and bumped into Zim.

"Watch it." The alien hissed, but he must've felt how badly the contact had started Dib, because he took one look at the human's face and laughed, "Are you _scared_ Dib-thing?!"

"Whu- _NO_!" Dib snapped, his ears and cheeks pink with cold - or embarrassment. He straightened out his shoulders, "Chickenfoot's just a big guy, is all. The reports mention something smaller - dog sized. I'm just _alert_ is all, we may have something else on our hands."

"Uh… sure…" Zim rolled his eyes and pushed Dib behind him, "Why don't you let Zim lead for a bit."

Dib wanted to make a fuss about the arrangement, but was honestly a little grateful Zim had offered. He trailed behind the Irken, keeping his eyes roaming all around until Zim abruptly stopped and seemed to be pondering something.

"Hey Dib." He said, casually, "What did you say a chew-pa-ba-ba looks like again?"

"It's chupacabra." Dib corrected, "And I don't know - no one knows - but supposedly its the size of a dog with like a baby face or something."

"What about an old man's face?" Zim asked, still in that unnervingly casual tone.

"Uh… that's pretty specific…" Dib said and peered around Zim's shoulder. Off in the dwindling line of their headlamps, a small cave peered out of the dense green foliage and from it peered two bright yellow eyes and the shriveled old face of an old man.

Dib was about to call out to him, when he smiled and unveiled a gaping maw far too wide to be human and full of sharp, knive-like teeth. At the foot of the creature sat a bright yellow lump and a groan that sounded suspiciously like Chickenfoot wafted through the air.

"Oh… that… that is not good." Dib whispered, trying very carefully to stay still.

"Should we run?" Zim asked, staying equally still, his voice the quietest Dib had ever heard it.

"Probably…" Dib said and he ever so slowly took a stepback wards and suddenly the creature sprang forward like a demented Jack-in-the-Box. Dib spun around and took off screaming, " _YES WE SHOULD RUN!_ _"_

They took off through the woods, but in the dark line of the trees they quickly lost sight of their original deer trail and went running down a side one. The creature could be heard making a terrible, inhuman racket behind them and as they turned the nearest corner Dib shrilled and fell to the ground as the creature lunged at him and nearly grabbed his neck.

Zim smacked it across the face with his stick and grabbed Dib by the bicep, hauling the human up after him.

"I think we just went in a circle!" Dib screamed.

"Zim _told you_ we should honor his memory!" Zim snarled. He was so close on Dib's heels he was practically yelling in Dib's ear. The human huffed and gasped between pants,

"We… are _not_ _… leaving_ him…"

"Zim doesn't know how to put this delicately…" The Irken hollered back, seemingly not at all winded and sending all sorts of question's running through Dib's mind, "Your chicken-man is dead."

"No he's… _not!_ " Dib gasped back and seriously how the hell was Zim's voice so even? He was _dying_ here, "I…heard a groan… 's _unconscious_ … or something…"

"Oh that's good, Zim is sure it'll be less painful when he's eaten alive then." Zim shot back sarcastically and just as Dib growled back a warning the pair managed to break out onto the main path they'd come from and ran past the huge tree they'd planted their snare under. Zim suddenly grabbed Dib round the waist and hoisted them into the tree line by his Spider Limbs.

Dib practically collapsed, wheezing, on the large branch Zim pulled them on.

The Irken glared down below, waiting for the creature to catch up and as he caught sight of the thing he turned to Dib and snapped, "You lied to Zim."

"What?" Dib gasped, heaving air into his lungs.

"You _said_ this would be _easy_."

"Yeah, well I didn't _know_ it'd be some mutant… leopard… _thing!_ " Dib threw his hands out, gesturing to the awful creature prowling below them - it looked like a horrible mix between a spynx and a big cat. It had wrinkled pink skin like a new-bore baby and the leering, elongated face of an old man with rows and rows of spiked teeth, "I mean _look at that!_ You really think I'd try to catch _that_ if I'd _known_ that's what it was like?!"

Zim's eyes narrowed into shrewd little slits, "Yes."

"Ok fair enough." Dib ran a hand through his hair, "But I'm telling you I _didn_ _'t_ know! I seriously thought it'd be, like, the size of a dog!"

Zim peered down at the monster, frowning, "Well, you're not wrong."

"What kind of _dog_ is _that-_ _"_

"Great Dane." Zim said and Dib was absolutely floored that Zim actually _knew that._

"You… you know about dogs?" Dib asked blankly.

"Of course I do!" Zim snapped, "Do you even understand how _nosy_ dog-humans are?! I had to do extensive research on your pathetic bark-monsters because every time Gir accompanied me I'd have to know everything about his disguise right down to _blood type_. Irk. What is your people's fascinations with dogs anyway?! Why do they want to know about _someone else_ _'s dog?! WHO DO THEY WORK FOR?!"_

" _SHHHH!"_ Dib hissed and leapt on Zim, covering his mouth. He watched with bated breath as the chupacabra looked up towards their hiding spot, but they'd moved far enough back into the foliage to stay hidden. Dib sighed with relief and let Zim go, "So, I'm sensing this is a little bit of an issue for you, which is cool, it's cool, just - maybe we should talk about it _after_ we get out of here."

Zim brushed Dib off, snapping, "It's fine. Zim is fine. Why would stupid dog-hyuumans even bother me anyway?!"

"So… this is an unrelated note…" Dib whispered, too casually, "But that thing just walked over our trap annnd… it didn't go off."

" _What?!_ _"_ Zim hissed, he shoved Dib aside and peered down towards the tree line, he turned cheekily back towards Dib as he leaned and snapped, "And by the way that is _completely_ related - it's the dog monsters that are unrelated!"

"Ok, fine whatever, does it really- _GET BACK!_ "

Dib grabbed Zim and yanked him back into the tree line just as the chupacabra made a lunge for him. It would have been fine and dandy if that had been it, but the beast was unfortunately _very_ catlike and it's claws gouged into the branch and it began to pull itself up with the swell of it's huge, naked biceps.

Without the trap working, both Zim and Dib were basically sitting ducks without a distraction, so Zim did what was the most logical thing to save himself.

He grabbed Dib and threw him out of the tree, far enough that Zim could run down to safety as soon as the creature went after him.

"You _jerk!_ _"_ Dib howled as he dropped like a stone - his curse caught the monster's attention and drew it to him. Dib sat prone and vulnerable as the beast advanced on him and from the corner of his eye he saw Zim drop down from the tree. The alien probably would have cut out from there, left Dib to fend of the beast and save Chickenfoot all on his lonesome - which, to be honest, Dib was expecting from the beginning - but Zim made one fatal flaw.

Maybe it was because it hadn't worked on the chupacabra before or maybe he'd forgotten about it, but whatever the reason Zim dropped down _on top_ of their little snare and, somehow, the weight of his fall set it off and snagged him.

He went flying into the air, strung up by his feet, and began a loud cussing storm in Irken just as Dib yelled,

"I _TOLD YOU_ it would work!"

Perhaps if he were smarter, Dib would have stayed quiet. His little victory cry washed out most of Zim's swearing and consequently the creature lunged for him.

It's yellow eyes leering like the bright headlights of oncoming traffic, Dib tensed up for just a split second before he caught himself and rolled to the side like he was the prize log in a log rolling competition.

He rolled off into the bushes and could hear the thing howling and clawing after him, but Dib was already through the foliage and picking leaves from his hair as he ran. He heard an ungodly shriek and a tidal wave of snapping twigs and before he knew it the stupid thing was right back behind him.

Which wasn't exactly _fair._ Zim was strung up like a roast hen on Christmas and the stupid thing still chose to murder _Dib_ first?! Seriously?

But he didn't have time to dwell on that, he could hear the monster too close behind him and he mentally tried to figure out where in the dense woods he was even running to - he wasn't on a trail and his headlamp wasn't exactly bright enough to help him discern any markers as to where he might be headed.

So he was more than a little surprised when he cut straight through the woods towards the cave Chickenfoot was at. It wasn't until he got to the cave that he realized Chickenfoot was nowhere to be seen and that the cave was set into the side of a cliff face. Dib was about to whirl around get the heck out of it's lair when he heard a snarl.

It the mouth of the cave, blocking any foreseeable exit, stood the chupacabra - it's wrinkly skin glistening in the moonlight and off it's sharp teeth.

Great.

Dib had maybe a handful of second before he was lunchmeat and he took the time to cast his eyes around the cave quickly in the hopes that there might be something, _anything_ to help him out of this mess. All he saw were piles and piles of chicken bones - and maybe a few bones a little _too_ big to be poultry.

Just as Dib was about to resign himself to being mauled by a dumb man-cat, he felt a wind push out from within the cave, rustling his hair and hitting the rope of his stick against the back of his neck. Dib ripped the little snare stick from its holster on his shoulder and stared down at it.

It was a simple weapon, a fat little stick as long as his forearm with a little loop of rope at the end - the kind of things dogcatchers used but homemade.

Could it work?

Dib didn't have much time to ponder because the creature chose to leap at him once more and Dib was suddenly all adrenaline and instinct, bouncing off the cave walls and rolling under the beast and doing anything and everything he could to avoid its claws and teeth. It grazed his shoulder and with a yelp he felt blood pour freely from the wound and it splattered to the ground and caught the creature's attention.

In fact, it caught the creature's attention _so well_ Dib found himself digging into his shoulder and throwing a fistful of it at the wall, where the creature actually _leapt_ after it and began lapping at it before it could dry.

It was just the distraction Dib needed, and he hurriedly rounded the creature and pounced onto it's back. It roared up like a great, demented stallion but Dib didn't allow himself to be bucked off like the weakest clown at the rodeo.

With a fierce cry, he threw out the head of the stick and looped it around the creatures neck, then he pulled the snare for all he was worth, his quadriceps _screaming_ as he tried desperately to stay ontop of the bucking, screaming creature and simultaneously keep hold of the stick.

In less than a minute - which felt like an eternity to Dib, his wailing muscles and his frantic heartbeat - the creature began to slow and slump and suddenly Dib felt himself perched halfway on the thing's shoulders and in the perfect position to strangle it to death.

It was definitely the most brutal thing he'd even done.

He was sure the huge, writhing creature was going to haunt his dreams for a long, long while after he felt the life leave its body and it gave it's final, futile muscle spasms.

Dib knew it was messed up the second he demounted - but he knew paranormal beasts and he _knew_ you didn't leave without doing a double tab. He couldn't look the corpse in the eye and he twisted his head towards the woods as he used his stick to bash the creature's head in again and again as he yelled out, "I'm sorry - I'm _sorry!_ _"_ with each blow.

He didn't stop until the wet splattering of brain matter covered his hands and he took an unfortunate glance back to make sure the now headless stump was actually lifeless.

It of course was, and Dib took a second of leisure time to be sick in the bushes.

With a groan that tasted too much like that night's chicken dinner - a poor and ironic choice that made him sick _once more_ \- he pulled himself together and set about inspecting the cave. He found Chickenfoot hadn't _really_ left and the poor man was huddled in a corner of a twisting segment of the cave - it was a pretty good hiding spot and Dib might've missed the man had he not been specifically searching.

They slowly pulled themselves from the cave and shambled back along the deer trail like haunted, exhausted shells returning from war.

Dib tried to talk to Chickenfoot and see how he was, but other than the man screaming, "We are _no longer friends_!", the false poultry refused to talk to the teen.

Dib hadn't even been aware they _were_ friends.

As soon as they got close to the main path, Zim's yelling and cursing became unbearable - the little alien was completely in the middle of a fit. Dib could see from afar that his wig had fallen to the ground in the chaos and he was still upside down in the treeline.

Chickenfoot seemed to notice for the first time that the green skinned boy didn't at all look human - despite the fact Zim had put in the bare minimum effort for his disguise (seriously he'd only worn the wig, and he hadn't even properly stuffed his antenna into it either) - to Chickenfoot, however, the loss of the wig seemed to be night and day.

He ran screaming out of the woods, back the way they'd come and refused to glance back or take a breath between his screaming mantra of " _ALIEN! ALIIIEEENNNN!_ _"_

Dib sighed.

With a roll of his too stiff shoulder, he pulled himself together and climbed the tree where he greeted Zim, who looked like the world's saddest piñata.

"Hold still," He said, peering down at the alien and trying to get a good hold of his roped feet, "I'm going to cut you down."

Zim, whose obliviousness knew no bounds, gave a start at Dib's voice - as if he seriously _hadn_ _'t_ heard the huge ruckus Chickenfoot had kicked up or all the swearing Dib had induced to get up the rather tall tree. The Irken seemed completely dazed, probably from all the screaming and blood rushing to his head, and he gazed up at Dib with wide eyes, "W-why did you…?"

"Come back?" Dib asked casually, rummaging in his pockets for his knife - he knew it was in there _somewhere_.

"Yes! Zim left you! You were _supposed_ to be eaten!"

Dib found the little pocket knife and flipped it open, he gave Zim a sour, "Gee _thanks,_ " and began to saw through the rope.

"No! Zim means-"

"Why did I bother coming back after you threw me to the lions?" Dib asked and he shrugged as he said it, "Eh. Honestly, you sacrificed me a lot later than I thought you would. Like, honestly, I thought it was going to be your first move."

Dib managed to cut through the rope then and let Zim drop like a sack of potatoes. The Irken made an irritated noise and pulled himself to a sitting position with a hiss. He rubbed at his head and watched Dib descend from the tree with a strange look, "You knew Zim would abandon you?"

"Well, yeah," Dib got within jumping distance of the ground and made a little ' _oof_ ' noise as he landed. He stretched his arms behind his head and said, "I mean you don't really have the best track record. I'm used to it at this point."

"B-buh… but…"

"Hm?"

Zim couldn't stand it, he jumped to his feet and exploded, "But you still _HELPED_ me!"

"Uh… yeah?" Dib was trying to roll out his shoulders when Zim grabbed him by them and shook him,

"WHY?" He demanded, "What trick is this?"

Dib rolled his eyes and tried to stay clam - seriously would a thank you _kill_ Zim? His voice was full of thinly concealed exasperation, "It's not a trick it's-"

"LIES!" Zim shoved Dib away, throwing him to the ground and as he leveled an accusatory finger at Dib's nose the human wondered why it was he _had_ helped Zim. The Irken's shrill rant filled the night air, "Zim should have _known_! This is some elaborate plot to catch me while my guard is down, isn't it? _ISN_ _'T IT_?! Zim will _never_ trust you Dib-smell so good luck trying to delete me!"

"I'm not _TRYING_ to delete you!" Dib snarled, too full of aches to deal with Zim right now. He pulled himself painfully to his feet and groused, "Jesus, Zim I'm just trying to help!"

" _WHY_? What's you angle!?"

"Nothing! I just-"

"LIES! TELL ZIM!"

"I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ALONE, OK!?" Dib screamed back, his fist clenched, his cheeks flushed with effort. Honestly what else did Zim expect him to say? He was tired and in pain and cold and this whole stupid thing had just been a stupid and ridiculous attempt to make Zim feel better because he _cared_ about the idiot. He didn't know _why_ but he did - why the heck was that so hard for Zim to grasp!?

The Irken was stunned into silence, his mouth opened and closed like a startled fish and his fist, balled and at the ready to shake at Dib, fell limply to his side, unfurled.

Dib felt his cheeks heat up and he squeezed his eyes shut - what was he even _saying_? He tentatively glanced up at Zim, but he couldn't read the alien and suddenly he was awash in his own feelings of inadequacy. He wanted the subject to drop and he wrung his hands together, trying to explain, "I mean… I just…" When an explanation didn't come and he couldn't think of a joke to laugh it off, Dib felt his stomach spike under a flare of fear and adrenaline.

This was stupid anyway - it's not like the alien would even care to know, not really.

Zim didn't care about his feelings. And if he admitted something so pathetic the alien might think he'd been helping out of pity and not… well… _desperation_. It hadn't been a rational thought but the human had just been attracted to Zim – after the whole exile thing he started to see the alien in a different light - the light of someone who might _understand_ and… well…

Dib was so tired of being alone he just…

His hand quickly grabbed at his chest as if he couldn't breathe and Zim was surprised to see that his breathing _was_ labored and his hand shook. Dib didn't want to lose composure in front of Zim; he felt horribly embarrassed and exposed but his anxiety was through the roof and he just _couldn_ _'t_ shut up. Kept trying to find some feasible explanation.

"I… I just… I mean I…" The human babbled helplessly and stared down at his feet, letting the words hang awkwardly in the air as he rubbed his arms like he were cold.

Zim didn't know what to do.

This was so unlike Dib – the overconfident, irritatingly clever and down right annoyingly enthused human Zim was used to seeing. This was Dib without his mask, without his war paint. This Dib wasn't talking to Zim like they were enemies.

He was showing _vulnerability_.

Zim shifted uncomfortably – the display was, for an Irken, on par with the scandal it would have caused if the human had walked into a restaurant totally nude. You just didn't do that. It was inappropriate to say the least and revealed far, far more than the Irken felt comfortable knowing about the human.

As far as he was concerned, Dib and this rotten planet were still his enemies.

"That…" Zim began, clenching his fists and working to speak past the lump in his throat. He jerked up his chin, staring at the human in a rebellious fashion, "Zim doesn't see how that concerns me."

"Are you kidding me?!" Dib couldn't believe how callous Zim was being, "You're all alone too! Your Tallests abandoned you!"

"What?! NO they didn't!" Zim knew it was the truth, but he couldn't accept it, found himself arguing -justifying - before he knew what he was doing, "They were just frustrated by my lack of progress, I just have to-"

"They. _Left_. You."

"No they didn't – they-"

"See?! You can't even admit it to yourself!" Dib threw his hands into the air where they came down and rested on his hips. He walked about in an angry little circle, shaking his head before he finally rounded on Zim, "You're in _denial_! And I know you're lonely too, Zim! And scared and hurt and, _shit_ , it just – it just _really_ sucks doesn't it?!"

Dib curled his his fingers into a tight fist by his side and he looked away, choosing to stare down at his shoes, _"Look_ , I know it's not the same and I'm not an Irken or a comrade or _whatever_ , but I care about you, you jerk. Because for whatever reason you're the only person on this whole planet who _sees_ me! You don't think I'm crazy, or if you do then it's not the same way _they_ think I'm crazy and I just… look… I don't… we don't need to be friends. We don't even have to like each other! Hell, I'd be happy if we went back to beating each other up, I don't care. All I know is I need this. I need to know that, at least to _one person_ , I'm not invisible. I just… I thought you might need the same." He glared at Zim, defiant, and declared, "So I came back, _ok?!_ "

Zim couldn't return Dib's gaze and looked at the ground for a long time, the silence almost defending.

"Well?" Dib demanded, wrapping his arms around himself like he were cold, " _Say_ something."

"I…" Zim hesitated, feeling unsure and uncertain in a way that confused him entirely. He was… he wasn't sure what he was feeling. He'd always been told to stuff those squishy, sensitive, mission-failure inducing sensations to the furthest corner of his mind.

Don't think about them.

Don't act on them.

Don't speak about them.

Irkens don't _have_ emotions.

Those that did were defective, dangerous. How could Dib possibly ask him to respond to something like that? What if this were a test and his Tallest were watching? Checking to see if the plague of emotions could bring him to his knees and he just couldn't go there.

 _Wouldn't._

Not now.

It was too soon.

He took a deep breath, bottling up everything he could snatch and stuff away into memories he could delete or edit later. But he wasn't sure if he would delete them, because there had been a quality to Dib's voice when he had confided, however angrily, in Zim.

So the Irken instead punched Dib on the arm, hard, because the human had said he didn't mind if they fought hadn't he? And Zim was never good at using his words.

"Ow." Dib complained, irritated at the response until the Irken hooked a thumb over his shoulder and gave the human a half smile – and somehow Zim's response was perfect in the alien's own way.

"That chupacabra isn't going to catch itself." Zim declared, "We better get going."

"Oh, actually, I already killed it." Dib said casually, and he raised his hands to show Zim his bloodied hands.

"Eh?" Zim said dumbly and then he seemed to really take in all the blood and with a screech he was looking down at his legs where Dib had touched him and frantically trying to wipe the stains from his pant legs. "That is _disgusting!_ _"_

"Yeah, well." Dib shrugged, and hid his hands under his armpits.

Zim surprised him then and came up to the human, giving him another lighter punch to the shoulder, "That thing humiliated Zim," The Irken began casually, "Next time, Zim will deliver the final blow."

"Wh- _Next time?!_ _"_ Dib gasped, elation bubbling up within him. But Zim was already several paces ahead, waving a hand loftily about his wrist and complaining to Dib that he wanted the heck out of the woods.

"Let's gooo~!" The Irken sang out and it was obvious even to Dib that he was taking smaller steps to allow the human to catch up.

The human took several deep breaths, trying to hold in the hiccuping gasps that would dissolve into tears if he didn't hold them in. _No way_ he was crying in front of Zim. He quickly swiped his forearm roughly across his eyes, forcing composure and giving the alien a chipper, "Right! Let's move out!"

He fell in step behind Zim and spent the remaining hike out talking the alien's antenna off about paranormal this and supernatural what's-a-ma-dookies.

Not that Zim minded.

In fact, Zim didn't mind at all.


End file.
